I There I was, in the bed. Another day when I just didn’t want to get up, move, or even face what was going on. I had been this way for months, struggling to make it, struggling through work, and struggling to just stay alive. I was at the tipping point in my life, and I felt nothing but empty. There was a sadness, that even as I look back on it today, it makes me tear up. I was a hurt and broken man.
I had the worst life ever, at that point, or so I had convinced myself. My wife and step-son did not help the situation at all. Our finances were in ruin, my military career was on the brink of ending, and I could only feel like my life was in a death spiral. It is the kind of thing that I can only describe as a dark cloud choking the life out of me. I wanted to die, plain and simple. There was nothing that I wanted more, than to just crawl into a ball, and have the rest of what life I felt removed from my body. I honestly thought that I could not move on. At that point in my life, I had never had a strong faith. I knew God, I had been baptized when I was younger, but I didn’t go to Church, nor did I even know what religion I really was. I was literally floating around in the atmosphere with no direction. It was one of the scariest moments in my life.
One day, I was called into the office of the First Sargent. This was the unit’s personnel officer, who is tasked as the well being person for the unit, among many other duties. Anyone who has been in the military knows this person well. He can be your best friend, or your worst enemy, depending upon your or your family’s actions. Up to this point, I was a thorn in his rear. Financial difficulties put me into a bind, and I honestly could not get a grip on it. I felt alone on an island, and like I had let everyone down. And, today, being called into the office, was no different. The long walk from the shop to the offices of the unit did not help. It left you so much time to think about what now. Life was in slow motion at that point, and all of my past failures kept creeping in. Every financial issue, every life issue, every moment that I messed up , it was all right there in front of me.
As I took a seat in the office, I felt myself sink. I had nothing left. The next thing that happened doesn’t happen often, but it did. I just blurted out, “I’m done.” I meant it, I was done. If nothing happened that day, I probably would have ended it all. He looked directly at me, and said, “In that case, we need to take a trip.” At that instant, a few phone calls later, we went to the hospital. I never said anything about death to this man. I didn’t tell him anything about how I struggled to get out of bed, or the fact that my marriage was in the toilet. Somehow he knew. It was the first time that I felt some kind of peace, and it had to be some kind of divine intervention. I was sure of that.
It would not be long before I was admitted into a hospital. I was very much not in control of anything in my life, at that moment. There was nothing that I could do, but spend time with myself, and the other patients on the forth floor. This was a significant changing point in my life. This is the day that kick started a huge change in my life………..
3 thoughts on “The Day That Started It All”
Oh Lucas I remember those days. It was so hard to comprehend all the problems you were having back then.
I think you were depressedong befor that time in your life. Depression runs very deep on your GrNdmother’s side of the family and it can be devastating.
You have come along way to overcome your past. It is pure hell fighting depression. Not knowing at first what the heck is going on but eventually you seek the help you need although that to takes time with talking to a therapist and getting the proper medication. Your family has been there and done that. I am so proud of all you have been through and are still with us and getting stronger and stronger !! Don’t let God out of your life. He is the backbone of our being. I have loved you my sweet nephew from the first moment I laid eyes on you.
May God continue to bless you and all the hard work you are doing to become the husband , and father and son you always wanted to be. Love u
Yes, the family has a history…. Thank you for the kind words, I love you too
Reblogged this on Are. You. Mental? and commented:
Thank you for sharing.