Yesterday, I told my “rock bottom” story. It was the first time that I have ever tried to capture that day into words. I don’t think that I did it any justice at all, because there are so many more emotions that were going on and so few words in the English language to try to describe it all. It was tough getting that out, but it feels better now.
After reading my post yesterday, I was asked, on a scale of one to ten, how is today? My response.. about a 3, maybe 4. The person totally was taken back, and followed that up with, how do you do it? How do you deal with everything going on, at work, home, and how do you do it? My response…… because I have to. I don’t think that response was the best I could have given, but in all reality, it is the reason.
I guess to really understand my response, you have to look into the demon of depression a little further. For someone who does not have the disease, it is hard to wrap your mind around. Even for me, having it, it is still hard to wrap my mind around it. I have heard it stated a hundred different ways, and even then, the way it is described is never really fully it. For me, it is kind of like being on a swing that is going back and forth, but also twisted and spinning at the same time. The normal flow of life has ups and downs, and most people have highs and lows, but the life swings back into the opposite direction. So, dealing with depression, you kind of get twisted up. You can see where you have been as you are swinging forward and it kind of makes you sick, then you start going back, and you are swung facing forward again, and you feel that sick feeling again. You know it is not how it is supposed to be, but you are kind of helpless when it comes to getting back on track. The more you try to control it by yourself, the worse it gets.
Prime example, I am buried with work, just buried. This started at the beginning of the week. There are things that I didn’t get done. I feel bad that I didn’t accomplish them. A regular person would be able to shrug it off. I, on the other hand, can’t seem to let it go. The thought kind of gets hung up in my brain. That causes a chain reaction, to think about other stuff that I have missed before. That leads to how much I have let others down, which then branches off into how horrible people must think I am. Repeat this loop for awhile, then you start to get tired. Instead of the thought stopping it progresses to a laundry list of failures and regrets. Then you get this tense feeling in your shoulders that you can’t shake. Your body starts to hurt, but you press on, because you don’t want to fail again. You are mentally exhausted, but your brain is in sensory overload. Like being in a rave without glow sticks, and the DJ wont quit playing the same beat, and you can watch the world spin around you, but you are not fully present. You can’t sleep with all that racket going on. Eventually you do, but only because your body has shut down. The next day, it’s like a bad hangover. You are physically tired, mentally exhausted. It hurts to get out of bed…… but you do, because of the little boy and girl in the next room who need you. You do, because of the wife next to you whom you made promises to. You do, because of the team at work who relies on you. You do, because of the friend you want to talk to. You do, because you owe it to yourself to try to beat this damn disease. I owe it to God for not letting me take my life. I wanted to so bad back before I was hospitalized. Now, it is not an option.
There is only one week before Good Friday, the day my savior gave his life up for me. He is with me, and helps me carry my cross on a daily basis. Some days are a 10, some are a 3, maybe 4, but no matter what, I have His help.