Wavering Faith

I am having trouble today finding the words to say what is going on in my heart and in my head. Today’s Gospel has a lot going on, and it is really telling of the end of Jesus’ time on Earth. I am just having issues putting together an insight, or a message, or even finding a way to put myself into this reading today.

John 13:21-33, 36-38

Reclining at table with his disciples, Jesus was deeply troubled and testified,
“Amen, amen, I say to you, one of you will betray me.”
The disciples looked at one another, at a loss as to whom he meant.
One of his disciples, the one whom Jesus loved,
was reclining at Jesus’ side.
So Simon Peter nodded to him to find out whom he meant.
He leaned back against Jesus’ chest and said to him,
“Master, who is it?”
Jesus answered,
“It is the one to whom I hand the morsel after I have dipped it.”
So he dipped the morsel and took it and handed it to Judas,
son of Simon the Iscariot.
After Judas took the morsel, Satan entered him.
So Jesus said to him, “What you are going to do, do quickly.”
Now none of those reclining at table realized why he said this to him.
Some thought that since Judas kept the money bag, Jesus had told him,
“Buy what we need for the feast,”
or to give something to the poor.
So Judas took the morsel and left at once. And it was night.

When he had left, Jesus said,
“Now is the Son of Man glorified, and God is glorified in him.
If God is glorified in him, God will also glorify him in himself,
and he will glorify him at once.
My children, I will be with you only a little while longer.
You will look for me, and as I told the Jews,
‘Where I go you cannot come,’ so now I say it to you.”

Simon Peter said to him, “Master, where are you going?”
Jesus answered him,
“Where I am going, you cannot follow me now,
though you will follow later.”
Peter said to him,
“Master, why can I not follow you now?
I will lay down my life for you.”
Jesus answered, “Will you lay down your life for me?
Amen, amen, I say to you, the cock will not crow
before you deny me three times.”

Again, it is hard to put into words the emotions written by Saint John in this. One item that does stick out to me is that even though Peter would lay down his life for Jesus in this moment, just a little while later, he would deny that he is a disciple. Peter is the foundation upon which Jesus started his Church here on Earth, yet, even Peter shows signs of weakness in faith. He would later on show great strength in his faith. I think we are all like Peter, I know I am. I can think of times when I laughed, and even mocked those who are Christians…. and look at me now. I am only human, and even today, sometimes, my faith grows weak. It is a great feeling that even when that happens, I can always come back to God and know he will still be there.

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