Why?

I had the wonderful experience of reading an article yesterday that hit very close to home to me. You can read it here:

http://www.torontosun.com/2015/04/10/transgender-teen-commits-suicide-suffered-daily-bullying

There was a point in my life when I would have been ready to just say that’s it, I have had enough, let’s end this all now. The grace of God himself kept me from doing that. I was in an emotional spiral, and I didn’t say anything to anyone about it. The key point is, I was afraid of everything and anything if I did, and at a young age, I was taught to suppress everything.

Alcoholism is one of the worst forms of dependency that I have ever been a witness to. I watched it destroy a perfectly good hearted human, my father. The dependency that he had on alcohol was greater than his will power to change. It made him a very evil and violent person. I don’t have the privilege of knowing him any other way. To me, he is the incarnation of the character Dr. Jekyll. I had no idea who was going to be coming home on a daily basis. Was it going to be my dad, or was it going to be the enraged alcoholic. It is a very horrible thought, the unknown of what is going to happen. It is just as bad loving someone, but watching them destroy themselves at the same time. The abuse was there, the yelling, the fighting, the arguments that would rage on for hours. Those nights I would only hope he would pass out quickly, or I knew it was going to be a very long night filled with lots of shouting and threats. There were only a few people that knew of this, and I never talked about it. I never felt like anyone would really understand if I did, and even kind of felt that if I did, it would only point out even more of how abnormal I really was.

I can really relate to this person. You never know what is going on at home with people. I understand people being mean because you are a little different. I know there is a lot that was going on in their head. I know there was a black pit that they were dealing with. This person was a sensation and motivator for their many followers on YouTube, yet, they lost their own internal struggle. I know how that feels, because I almost lost mine. Each time I see this, I always wonder, if they would have just had a conversation with someone, would they have made a different choice? I can honestly say it was God’s grace and mercy that led me to where I am today, and that I pray that he comes to those suffering internally like this. I know that things can get better, and that ending your life sounds good in that moment, but there is so much more waiting after the storms have passed. However, just like with alcoholism, you (the individual), have to want to release the tension and start the healing process. Again, I pray for those who are locked inside themselves for the loving Grace of God to come upon them and help them start the process of healing, rather than ending it all.

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