I have talked about the day that I was put into the hospital. The intense time that I was having that lead up to the entry into fourth floor of Coliseum Hospital, Macon Georgia. This is a fine facility by the way, but just like every other hospital I have ever been to, it is sterile and generic. It was like being in an episode of the Twilight Zone.
The first day was full of the same questions, being asked in different ways, over and over again. How long have you felt this way? How long has this been going on? Have you ever felt happy? Do you know what happy looks like to you? They went on and on, nurses, doctors, everyone, they all had a barrage of questions. At this point, I knew what is was like to be in the middle of the Inquisition. I was not angry with the questions, and I know the necessity of it, it was just annoying that no one seemed to be looking at the way I answered the last persons questions already. Logically, I know why they do it, it is because there are people that come in just for the attention. I was not there to be noticed, I was there to fix whatever was going on upstairs. I had been forced to be here, so, I might as well make use of the time.
As it was described to me, I had control of who came in and who I wanted to talk to outside the confines of the hospital. Those were some of the best words that I heard at that time. I would not have to deal with anyone… I could hide, which at the time, I was really good at, and did all the time. It was my way of coping with everything. Just like Jonah, I was good at going the other direction. Who knew I was locked inside a whale all those years because of it. If you are not up to speed on Jonah and who he is, check out his book in the Bible… http://www.usccb.org/bible/jonah. I love the book myself, it is a good story. I was running, and trust me, it was getting me nowhere.
I knew I was running, deep down. The problem is that I had suppressed everything for so long, it was like a volcano in my chest. I could feel the burning deep inside, and it was just ready to burst out. It was like a school girl having a secret about a sixth period crush, just waiting on the bell to ring to tell her friends. This was the greatest thing I had ever been forced into in my life, and that is the only way I know how to describe it. I am not sure I even knew what was really going to go on in the next few days, but I felt safe and secluded, and that was all that mattered. I really pray that anyone with depression, or other mental impairments that they find a place to be able to let it all go. I wish that I didn’t have to go to this type of extreme, but that is what it took for me. Even in this moment, I had still yet to find God and his calling for me, and even the fact that I should become Catholic…. those stories are going to come later….. This was just the start of the untangling process, something that I am still working on, something that I hope my story will help others along as well…