The first actual night in the hospital was interesting. I have been in places before where I could sleep with no issues, but there is something about being in a space that is uncommonly sterile that will keep someone awake. I hadn’t been really sleeping all that well in about three months anyway. The depression had sunk in so far that I couldn’t even rest when I wanted to. The unfortunate side effect is the fact that I didn’t want to get out of bed. It was the whole reason I was there to begin with, but you know, I couldn’t shake it still… it was only night one….
I was not comfortable, and trust me my mind was racing so hard. For those of you who do not have a mental affliction… it is kind of like standing in a kindergarten class without anyone giving the children direction. The best part, it is usually worse at night, for me anyway. Just like any good virus, the symptoms are worse at night. Laying there this time, I was just allowing the thoughts to run, as fast as they could. Even to this day, the racing thoughts still happen, but unlike that night, I can eventually get them to stop.
I have found this song, and it describes the feeling pretty well. There is not a video for it, but the song is great. It is kind of an obscure song by Pat Green…. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bR5SVznqXA. It is the closest thing that I have found to having the words to describe how it feels at night sometimes. I have had nights on the brink of being nothing but dust. I have had nights where the thoughts were just a passing whisper. It is something that I have learned to deal with, but trust me, I understand those who have not quite figured it out yet. It is maddening.
This cycle would happen for the rest of the time I was there. For all the effort that I was putting into trying to understand it all this night time mind race would be something that I could not figure out for a while.