Trying to Matter

The past few weeks have been very trying to me. They have really put into perspective the fact that I have spent a lot of time trying to matter. Trying to matter to everyone and everything. I say everything, because I have devoted massive amounts of energy to projects at work. Projects that I am sure are making a difference to someone out there in the cosmos, but in some fashions, not making a whole lot of difference to me.

“He entered the synagogue, and for three months debated boldly
with persuasive arguments about the Kingdom of God.”  Acts 19:8

A very simple passage as apart of today’s reading. This is Paul speaking for three months. How hard must that have been to debate with the non-believers of the time for three months? I can only imagine, however, to be honest, Paul seemed to be a pretty sharp individual. His conversion story is one of my all time favorites. He put passion behind what he was doing, and he believed with his whole heart that what he was doing was making a difference, and actually mattered.

Personally, I struggle with this. I want to have that kind of passion in everything that I do. I often find myself greatly lacking. I do, however, find it easier to have passion for things that deal with the Church. I find it easier to put my heart into writing and trying to put my personal experiences into words for everyone. I find it easy to be passionate about my family, especially my kids. When I am with them, even in the trying moments, because lets face it a 4 and 2 year old in the house is going to have its moments, I still find more passion in what is going on and I can be more in that moment. It is when I am putting energy into worldly things that I can find very little passion. I don’t get a lot of joy out of working spreadsheets or working on mundane tasks. I don’t know of anyone who does. I struggle with things that are not making a difference in a way that is actually meaningful, or seem to not add any value to this world. I am trying to matter, and matter in a way that is positive, joyful, helpful, and most importantly in a way that is pleasing to God. I pray I am on the right track.

2 thoughts on “Trying to Matter

  1. Hi, and thanks for writing this. I’m sure many can relate. I am currently reading a book that may be of use to you. It is called “The Noonday Devil” and has to do with the sin of acedia. This is one of the Seven Deadly Sins but is usually translated as ‘sloth’. However, sloth gives a very narrow and incomplete idea of what is entailed in acedia. The development of thought on acedia began with the Desert Fathers as they struggled in the heat of the day with their vocation. As the book notes, from 10am to 2 pm, when the sun is at its zenith, time seems to stand still. This is when they have their doubts about what they are doing, whether it matters, etc.




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