So I have been talking for a while now about how my tangled mind tries just about anything to keep me from being the best person I can be. Today was no exception when it came to a mental road block. It was partially the work stress I am under, and partially because of the news for today. Let me explain further.
Today started off rushed. One of the worst feelings in the world is being rushed. You already feel behind, and trying to catch up just makes is even worse. The next series of events sent me into a mental tail spin…. over minor things. In the grand scheme of the world, the stuff that happened and the minor mistakes made were nothing. A mere drop in the bucket on the rollercoaster of life. So, for most people that would have been the end of it……….. was it with me? Emphatically no. Not only did it cause me to lose focus for at least three hours, it nagged at me at the same time. Funny how the this mind of mine works sometimes, but let me tell you, when it decides to head down this road, it is a real struggle to get back on track.
Following all the mental drama, I have a mountain upon a mountain of things that have to get done. I eluded to it last night, but to be honest, I am not seeing the value in a lot of the things that I am doing. Top that off with the anxious feeling of not getting anything done… well, for someone like me, with a mental disorder, yep, you guess it….. here comes the depression, round one. Never fails, I seen it coming this time……. you could have shot the depression with a sniper rifle, you could see it from that far off….. but I couldn’t focus enough to get it out of my head. At this point, I was looking at a wasted day, wasted time, and even more so, wasted energy. All in a four hour time span, all in the same day, and all pretty much at the same time.
Some of you are reading this and saying… well, Lucas, this is normal. I experience this all the time, and I am just fine with a little space I can get back together quickly and move on. Well, kudos to you.. the hard wiring upstairs is backwards. Instead of brushing it off, the notion of failure crept in, and that is the one thought that kills it for me every time. So, even tonight, I am still feeling like I have accomplished nothing and I have failed. I realize that this not true, it cant be, but that doesn’t keep the racing thoughts from letting that idea go. I am hoping by writing this is will leave, and I will not spend days inside that train of thinking………. pray that this works for me…… and I will let you know if it does.