Depression…. How Did I Know? Part Deux

So, I ended last night kind of going into some background of where I was when everything started to really hit me. I thought it was a fitting place to start, to kind of get some history on where I know things started to roll down hill for me. So, tonight, I will pick up where that left off….So, it was the beginning of the fall in middle Georgia. This would be, unknown to me at the time, my last duty station. I was barely in my mid-twenties, married, had a new step-son who had autism, and a financial situation that was getting worse by the day. I was not doing myself any favors in life by trying to solve all of the issues all at one time. I was an instant Dad, which I thought would be awesome, but it was slowing turning into a nightmare.

Financially speaking, I was at a low. It started in Alaska, and the trend continued with me. I was in trouble for the debts that were mounting, and when you are in the military, that means that your job is also in jeopardy. It seems counter intuitive to a point, but rules and regulations are meant to be followed in that line of work. I get it, and at the time, it really felt unfair. This was the breaking point of my mind. I wanted to provide for my family, but the decisions I was making was the dumbest things in the world. So, being called into the office multiple times was starting to become common place for me. Stressed out? Yep, that was me. To be frank, the stress of being jobless because of how the military operates is what really had me stressed out. I have never been one to have much money, so, being broke was not the issue. It was the fact that I felt that I was being singled out, and yelled at often, for a situation that I really just needed help with. I didn’t know how to ask, and just being in trouble all the time just stressed me out even more.

So, fast forward to that fall again, and I had just hit the wall. My body started to ache for no reason, I lost all energy, and I was having a hard time getting out of bed. I lost interest in everything, and in everyone. I had really become a walking raging asshole, who was starting to resent the life that I was trying to create. In essence, the void I was trying to fill was not what I really thought it would be, and I blamed myself for everything. Even if it wasn’t my actions, I blamed myself. Every shred of self-worth that I had, or any existence of a self-esteem was gone. And it was like this for months. I did not want to admit it to anyone, my family included.

If it was not for my chain of command, I would not be here today. I contemplated taking my life on several occasions, because I thought that, in that moment, if I was not there to ruin anyone else’s life, then I would be doing the world a favor. I knew how I was going to do it. Being no stranger to alcohol, I was going to drink myself away. It was, and I firmly believe this, by Devine intervention that I actually said one little phrase to someone in my unit…. “I am just done, done with life itself. I can’t take it anymore.” I was then taken down to the hospital and checking in for a two week stay. I have written about this in a previous blog post of mine.

Here is the main point of my story. If you feel this way, at any point in life, you do not have to go at it alone at all. There is help out there, and people who do actually understand what is going on. We have struggles, and in those moments, it can seem so helpless, and the hurt seems like it will never end. I just pray that if you are ever feeling this way, you will talk to someone… anyone…. heck, email me if you really need to… I don’t mind listening….. Just know that there are quite a few people just like you, who know how that feels, and can actually relate. There is no shame in anyone saying they need help…

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