Tonight (or whatever time you decided to read this), I decided to continue with my story. I mean, I have written about what was leading up to my depression, and where my breaking point was, but I don’t know if I have really explained the inner workings of depression, as it pertains to me. I have to say as it pertains to me, because I am unique. Not in just the fact that I am me, and trust me, I am the only one of me, but because everyone works just a little different. Everyone’s mind is wired uniquely, so, from a depression standpoint, you may or may not experience the same things that I do. Normal is just a cycle on the washing machine…. and I am proof of that.So, Depression…. it sucks. In a basic term, I hate it. I loathe the fact that I have the diagnosis, and more importantly, I loathe the fact that the world shuns the very word itself. There is no one out there that can not say that being labeled with any type of mental diagnosis that there is no stigma that comes along with it. Sure, you can hide it, because there is no outward appearance of it (for the most part), but no denying, once the label is there, it is yours………… So, me, I am just now getting to the point in my life where I can own it outwardly, and not be ashamed of it. It’s a risk on my part, but for so many reasons that I can not explain, I would rather write about this, put the stories out there, and write about my Catholic values, than worry about the risks.
Now that I am past that, lets get to the heart of the matter. I was the lucky winner of a two week staycation on the fourth floor of Coliseum Hospital in Macon, Georgia. I say winner, because there are those who do not get this type of help. It should be available, and trust me, if you want mental health issues to be addressed, it should be available, but not everyone gets this luxury. During that time, I was in isolation from the outside world. That first day, I was pissed. Not going to lie, I had shared my story with countless intake nurses, doctors, and a really weird psychiatrist. It would be beneficial later, but you know, that initial shock is always fun to deal with. Yeah, sure, I wanted to die at that point in my life. I had no energy and believe me when I say, I hated myself and everything around me. I was so sad, and self-defeating. The added bonus was the racing thoughts. I would lay down, my body would relax, but the thoughts would not stop. It was the same cycle. Lucas, you are not good enough, the things you did were wrong, you could have stopped them, if you only were a better person. You are not worthy of anything, and you should really have done more. You are a horrible person for letting all this happen. All of these lines, running through my mind at a thousand times the speed of sound. This, I still believe to this day, is the reason for the aches and pains. You just cant get your body to stop, so, no rest comes. Fatigue sets in, and then you body starts to shut down. From that point, it is hard to stop the momentum.
I can only thank God for the fact that I am here. I was on the path to self destruction. As always, remember there is hope, and you don’t have to go at Depression alone. Someone is always out there willing to help you, and trust me, God still loves you, even if it doesn’t seem like it.