“If a blind man leads a blind man, they both will fall in a pit.” Matthew 15:14
Today was a very interesting day. Not for just the fact that I had to work, but because I have felt so emotional today. I don’t know if it is the move that I made at work (to a new cubicle) or the fact that my Grandmother is in the hospital and probably not going to make it much longer, but today I have felt very emotional.
I don’t know how many other people feel this way, but it is hard rut to get out of. And it does not take a lot to spin this into a depressive episode… which, by the way, I could really not use in my life right now. I kind of felt it coming on last night, when I got the news about my Grandmother, but I brushed it off as being tired. Today, it is full blown… and trying to keep a smile on at work was hard. Mainly because my new spot is a blessing and a curse, I don’t have some many people bothering me, which gives me some great quiet time…. but I am not used to that during the day… and my mind wandered off today.
It has led me to start to question things again. Questioning my religious beliefs, my purpose, why the hell we are living in this world when everything seems on fire.. and how things are so fragile, and will be over in such a brief time. I really had time to ponder my own mortality. Have I done enough in this life to experience things, or have I let my worries and plights take over me so much that I have just watched it all go by as a bystander? Why would God, with all his infinite wisdom and teachings, give me, a lay person, a mere person just seeking to do right in this world, give me such an affliction? What the hell am I doing here? Is it normal for me to question God like this? Why should I have to follow a religion when it brings me to so many disagreements with a lot of people, including my own family sometimes? Why would a sane individual do that and have such a conviction? All of these questions, in rapid fire, over and over again today… all in the search to understand my own mortality and purpose. And here comes the cycle again.. the over and over questions that leave me in a wonderful state of weary and emotionally vulnerable to everything.
I know for a fact that I am not the only one out there who questions things like this. Today it felt like it. That alone in the crowded room type of feeling that only comes when you have thoughts wandering around in your brain. So, here are the answers that my brain finally landed on… I have not been a bystander in my own life. I have been an active participant, through all my faults and triumphs, I am the one that was there for it all. God granted my this gift of depression to help others. It has given me great insight to emotions, and in fact, does help me to empathize with everyone around me. Don’t get me wrong, it still sucks, but hey, that is one bright point. Mother Theresa questioned her religion and God all the time, and she is now a Saint, so, I can’t be that far off in my line of thinking. My religion gives me structure, yet freedom to think about things and why She teaches the way she does. It goes against a lot of many popular cultural fads of today. I am secure enough to have an open dialogue about it, but Spirit always returns me to Her teachings. One of the great mysteries that I plan on asking God about when I get where I am going.
So, I have had an emotional day, and I am sure there are more to come, but at least I came to some conclusions today…