What If I Could?

Today was just an ordinary day in my life. Nothing really to write home about. My family is fine, I am doing o.k., life seems to be moving a the insanely fast pace that it always has. So, then why do I feel like the other shoe is about to drop at any moment in time, with some disaster or ridiculous item happening in my life. I don’t know, call it being a worry wart, call it paranoia, call it the wonderful gift of depression, or whatever, I have this nagging feeling today that something is just going to get in the way of it all.

So, what if I could make a change in my brain and fix it all myself? What would that look like? What would that be like, to not have the depression that I have. To be honest, these are great questions, and I don’t have the answers to them. I wish I had the answers to them, because I would really not have to worry about money anymore. I would spread the word like wildfire and help as many as I could get over their own mental afflictions. I could only imagine the possibilities and all my friends and family that I could help. Sadly, I do not have this answer. I don’t really know what that would look or feel like. I can only go off the work that I have done so far. I certainly don’t want to take a step back a decade ago, but hopefully the healing and learning to live with it improves in the years to come.

I know it would not be all sunshine and roses, because there is no one that I know that has it perfect or can say they are not dealing with something of some sort or another. Some people I know are dealing with things that are way worse than I am… and God only knows the ones that I don’t know about. I do want to lose the work that I put into all the worry. I honestly wish I could get my brain to stop that for a day or two. Outwardly, I may say it is not bothering me, but inside it is killing me some days. The depression is part of it, I am convinced of that. I have no medical degree or anything to prove it, but when I am having a depressive episode, the worry is always worse. I can only conclude that deep inside, they are acting together in an effort to sabotage my hardcoding upstairs. Undoing that is difficult. It’s partially a natural human characteristic that some people can suppress, but is very much a learned thing handed down from my family. I learned it young, and it is now a habit. If I could change anything, it would be that. I don’t know what causes the racing thoughts that follow along with my depressive state, but I can bet the worry portion has a lot to do with it.

Tonight, my mind is starting to race around like a spin around Watkins Glen Raceway. Left, right, back left, right, into the straight away. I am trying my hardest to keep it in check, but I can only hold it back for so long. So, all I ask is that you pray for me, and maybe tonight it will slow down some because I took the time to write about it this time. Who knows…..

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