“Concerning times and seasons, brothers and sisters, you have no need for anything to be written to you. For you yourselves know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief at night. When people are saying, “Peace and security,” then sudden disaster comes upon them, like labor pains upon a pregnant woman, and they will no escape.” 1 Thes 5:1-6
Like a thief in the night. This is something that hits very hard for me. It resonates with me only because no matter what, there is always a potential for me to relapse into a depressive state. I have been dealing with this tangled mind of mine for a very long time, and just like the night, there is always a lingering shadow inside. Sometimes I do not know what will set it off, other times, I can feel it coming and I can dodge it. I like it better when I can dodge… but sometimes, it just hits me like a wrench in the face.
I know that I am not alone in this feeling. I know that there are many out there just like me, trying to find a way to not go down the road of self-destruction. Constantly fighting this war, and I call it a war because it is pretty damn near close to it, within and trying to keep it all together. It has taken a lot of fighting to get to where I am today. I have had a lot of support along the way, and it took me forever to realize it, but I do not have to fight alone. It is not a war of myself versus this other darker self, it is really about driving out the shadows, or as I call it, untangling the mess that is up there. Sometimes my wires just need to be straightened out.
My message in this post is not that of gloom. Even though, it did start out that way, that is not my intention at all. It is more of a message of hope. You see, this past week has been all about the light. All about moving forward into that light, and learning to trust in a higher power. For me, that is my savior Jesus Christ. Many people call that higher power something different, but it really is about trust and faith. I have learned a very valuable lesson with the passing of my Grandmother, it is very simple. Stay faithful. Trust that if you stay on a path, stay within the hope that you can get better… even on your worse days, it will get better. It is easy not to do anything, or ask for help, or to just go at everything alone, but why do that when you can have people there to help you. Even if you have no family here on Earth, there are people that are willing to help anyone through the pain. There are even people willing to help with untangling the mess that is inside your head…. I know they are helping with mine.
I struggle because I always have to be on guard. I know that anytime, at any moment, it can come back. Like a thief in the night, and put me back into a dark place. Depression sucks that way. I know I am not alone, and I know I can beat it back.