Laughing……

I have been coached before on my sarcastic nature at work. I tend to make jokes about things whenever something is wrong, or there is a big problem that arises. It is my way of dealing with things, but it tends to rub people the wrong way. They take my sarcastic nature for not caring, or not taking things serious.They know nothing about how serious I really am. I never could understand what my problem was and why my natural reaction was to do that. I am pretty fast with the quips, and I can be very funny. It almost always is at a point where high stress is starting and by some miracle, my tongue gets loose, and the sarcasm starts to flow progressively from my brain out of my lips. It annoys people, it gives them this impression that I don’t really care, when in fact, my mind is really focused. The total opposite is happening on the inside, but the outward reaction is not one that shows it. I put on the jovial smile, and I make light of the situation, not just to lighten the mood, but because, that is my body’s way of reacting to an attack.

I have searched for years on the cause, the root behind why, and yes, even how to not do it anymore. Thirty-five years of practice at it, it is now a habit, and it is super hard to break. I have gotten better, but it has not gone away, and I know that it burns people. I think I have found the root cause though, and this is going to really sound dumb, but I will explain it anyway. Laughing and joking is my way of staring down fear in the face. This is my way of taking the problems, turning them around, and keeping the fear of those problems at bay.

In my darkest of times, when I know that my depression is taking over, I still have my sarcasm and humor. I can still manage to make some sort of joke. I use my laughter to keep the devil at bay. That sounds strange, but it is true. I have never been one to pick a fight, throw punches, or be violent. I use what comes naturally to me, and that would be my humor. I use it to combat the demons that try to come out and sabotage my mind. I use it when times get tough, in order to keep me from going further into the abyss. As strange as it sounds to some, I use it to keep fighting. It may annoy others, but it is my way of battling through challenges in my life. If I ever lose that, I know I have lost for good.

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