Happy?

I am not sure how to start this one off. I will be honest, sometimes the thought of happy is not one that resonates with me at all. I am not sure how to explain that. When someone says “Find your happy place.”, what exactly are they talking about?For me personally the concept of happy is almost foreign. I understand it, and yes, I am happy more often than it shows. I am talking about the idea, and how people find happiness, and why it sometimes doesn’t fit me. It is difficult to explain for someone who has never dealt with the bad wiring of depression before. The commercials on TV talk about it, that blue feeling or the dark cloud that kind of hovers over for no reason, but I have yet to have anyone really describe it. It is almost like watching an old TV show that has been put into color, then going back to a black and white version of it. You know what the colors are supposed to be, but in black and white, it is only mere shades. It is kind of what depression robs you of, the color. If you are color blind and reading this, I apologize for the analogy there.

So, when the depressive moods start to hit, that is what happens, the world kind of goes grey. The things you like to do, turn into chores, and you don’t like to do them. People you like to be around, yeah, they start to not be so much fun… family and friends a like. All the things in life seem to just not be good, or as good as they were. Food is bland, etc., etc. The list could go on and on, but that is what happens for me. Couple that with racing thoughts, and the feelings of self-loathing, you end up with how my depression feels. People still seem surprised when I say I have to force myself to get out of bed during these bouts.

So, while it is very difficult to get out of these phases, it can be done. For me, it starts with my faith. I have to have the faith that God will bring me out of the depths of where I am. That is key. The second is my support system. My family and friends that are there for me, and letting them at least help. Shutting them out was what I used to do, but that is just a false notion of trying to be a superhero that doesn’t work, ever. Third, is just being patient. Patient with myself, and trying not to add to it by being more upset at myself than I already am. The loathing sensations are bad enough, topping that off by being upset with myself just makes things worse. Forth, trying to acknowledge that this depression is not an affliction, but a gift from God. The last one is the hardest. It goes against most of what I have ever been told, seen, or have heard here on Earth. I am learning to think of it more this way. It is so hard, but it has helped so much, in doing this.

Having depression is not a failure, a bad thing, or an affliction. The stigma is that it is, however, it is really a gift. If you think about it, my brain is wired differently. That is really all it is, my mind just operates in a different fashion from time to time. It puts me into the world of demons and darkness, but when I come out, I have more compassion and love in my heart then when I went in. It has taken me years to realize this. It has given me great insights to the human condition, and has helped me related to multiple people on many different levels. Don’t get me wrong, going through is one of the worst things ever. It is painful, inside and out. However, if anything that I have learned over the last year, diving into more scripture, trying to follow my faith more, I have learned to not think of things in a traditional manner. This depression is a gift, I just have to remember that.  I am still looking for my “Happy Place”, but I will get there someday.

2 thoughts on “Happy?

  1. Beautifully and bravely expressed, Lucas. Thank you. The kindness, love and genuine care that you, Christina and her Mum showed to me has still such a special place in my heart…it is one of my “happy places” and is so priceless and treasured. Thank you ! I wanted you to know what a difference you all made in my life…it still makes me feel so loved..and I am so grateful that you all came into my life at such a difficult time…I have faith you will find your happiest place; somewhere that reminds you how loved and blessed you are and what an exceptional heart you have..You certainly deserve it…miss you all love and smiles…always xxxKaren.

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