Today was surely a Monday. I woke up, just like every other morning. I got showered, dressed, ready for work… yes! Said my morning prayer to my wonderful Lord, then started about my day. The drive in, I could tell something was different….Traffic… that is normal. I deal with traffic going into and out of work on a daily basis. It is nothing new. What was new was how irritated I was. Did I forget my meds? No. Did I forget to pray? No. Did I take a different route? Not one that I was not familiar with. I do have options to get to work, and I take different routes, to keep the drive fresh and new. Nope, all of the routines were the same, nothing out of the ordinary. So, what gives? Why was my mind going nine-hundred miles and hour, and why was I just irritated? I have no idea… but I was just in a pissed off mood.
Well, that turned into a giant black hole about the time I walked into work. That wonderful moment when you find yourself dealing with depression head on, while you are walking head on into work… yep, that is exactly what I was feeling this morning. No one really likes working on a Monday, and no one likes depression, and to top it off, it was overcast. Yes, it was the trifecta of a depressive hell. I still walked into the door, but it must have shown on my face.
Everyone kind of could tell today. I got asked how I was multiple different times. Was I o.k.? No. Did I answer with I was doing o.k.? No. I find it better just to say something is wrong, even if you don’t go into details. At least that way, you are starting from an honest point. I find it better to cope that way. Did it make it all vanish? No, but at least I was not shying away from it. Lots of times in my past I would run away, put on my “fake” self and just mask it all. That never worked, and it really always compounds the effects, and to be honest, it makes the depressive state last longer. I mean, who knows, maybe that is the real key, attacking from a state of honesty.
The days and nights do not begin and end with my depression. It does make the days and nights seem impossible, even when they are not. I wish I knew the magic combination to unlock this, take it away, then be able to do the same for others. I know I am better than this, however, I still do not feel it. I feel trapped today. Trapped inside my head, irritated that I can not fix it, and annoyed that I have been given this damn disease. That said, I will find a way to beat it back again… just like before….