Humble Heart

“Prayer always reaches God, as long as it is prayer from the heart.” – Pope Francis

My friends, today is a wonderful day. Not just because it is a random Tuesday in January, but because I woke up. I get to have another day seeing the people that I love. Yes, today is a gift that I have been given, no matter what the actual day brings forth. I did not always have this feeling about life.

If you have been following my blog, you know the struggles I have with depression. If this is your first time reading, well, welcome, and I have struggles with depression. I deal with it on a daily basis, and I am still learning all of my triggers, causes, reactions, and general ways of coping with it all together. It is always a work in progress. It is a blessing to have, and a curse when it comes on strong. I am just now, in the last few months, coming to actual terms with it. I have had the actual diagnosis since 2005, and I know I struggled with it before then, but it has taken me almost a decade to finally accept the fact that I am powerless against it without the help of others.

In this decade long journey, I have prayed many times about it. Not consistently, because, lets face it, I am not a good Christian when it comes to that. Not for the fact that I don’t pray, I pray on a daily basis. I have a hard time praying for myself, so, praying to save me from myself is never high on my prayer list. That is a whole different story, but the point is I have prayed in different ways to be rid of this monstrosity.  Most of the time it seems that those prayers fall on deaf ears. Unlike colds, this tends to stick around like a bad habit. It feels that, sometimes, the prayer to no longer have depression in my life is one that will never be answered. It is something that I put my entire heart into, but for some reason, it never seems to be fulfilled. I still have this depressive state of mind.

Then, I read this quote. I seen it about a year ago, and it came up again today, as I was preparing my thoughts. If this was fifteen years ago, I would have chalked it up to just a coincidence. I have found that there is a reason why quotes and things reoccur in life, call it a Devine Intervention, or some of those Angels trying to contact me, I cannot really prove it, but if it happens more than once, I know to stop and take notice. So, that brings me back to this prayer of removal that I have invested all this time in. So, depression has not been lifted out of my tangled mind like I have wanted. That is the key right there, it is not like “I” wanted. No, the way prayers are answered are out of my control all together.

I want to be in control of how my life is going to go, but in all honesty, I am not. I never really have been. God has heard my prayer, he understands what it is I am going through, but he is only going to lift this veil of depression at a slow rate. Whatever the purpose behind it is, He knows, but there is a reason why he is not just making a sudden change. I have been able to see the good points in having this affliction. For example, I can now notice when I am starting to slide down into a funk. I don’t know the trigger yet, but at least I know when, so, that is a positive. Also, I have learned that this depression has made me see things from a different angle, and I have had many life experiences, both good and bad, as a result of them. So, in a sense, I have come to terms with having it.

I am still praying to have this depression go away. That part will not change. How I see the answering of this prayer is what is changing. God is listening, moving me in a direction, I just have to be willing to accept his answer, and not try to make God fit into what I plan that I have for myself.

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