I have a deep joy for writing, and hearing the keys clack on a keyboard is sort of a musical sound to me. Throwing the ideas that are bouncing around in my brain into a cohesive message, or something that is moving is what I like to do. I have never written a novel, or anything that will make the world run out and buy anything, but for me, it is really just amazing how the words and feelings happening on the inside can come out into a story, or a message, or something that I feel compelled to write about. It is something that I enjoy doing, and if someone else can get something from it, then it is well worth it to me. I don’t write to try to be famous, or to make people feel I am “more pious” than anyone, because I am far from it. I freely admit that I can be the world’s best and worst Catholic all at the same time.
The great news is that I am starting to actually pinpoint when it is starting to happen, sort of… It is really hard to put into words, but I know that this cycle started sometime last week. I am not sure when, I just started noticing myself getting more agitated at little things. My nature is usually just going with the flow, so, when I am starting to let little things get to me, I know that is a sign. Then I get to this point, where nothing I put down on paper, or type actually resonates with me on the inside. It is just like the feelings that happen when I am depressed, I feel hollow, so, the words start to sound hollow. Not for the fact that there is no merit to them, or the story I am trying to convey, just for the shear fact that joy starts to elude me. It really impacts everyone around me, and I hate it, with every fiber of my being. I still know that I am better off then I was in 2005, simply because I am not running away from the fact anymore. This disease sucks, and I hate it. No two ways about it, and for anyone else who is dealing with it, I can only pray that you are healed as well.
I am finding it hard to come up with something to write about the past few days. I have written about this before, days where I can not think of a topic, or where I do not have a passion for writing. This lets me know that I am on the downward side of another depressive episode. When the keys start grinding on my ears, rather than making me happy, that has become the tell-tell sign that I am falling into another depression. I don’t want to go down this road. It is never a “fun” trip. It hurts, and there is no other way to describe it. Even now, as I am putting this into words, I am not feeling any pleasure from writing. Really, my mind is telling me that I should crawl into a hole and just stay there. That would probably be easier. I will just ask that everyone pray for me to leave this episode behind.