Today, I woke up tired. I am just barely making it through my day. Not because I didn’t sleep last night, because I was in bed by the normal time. I did have one dream last night, but it was nothing that I can remember. No, I am just tired.
It is just another one of the wonderful symptoms that I have when I am in a depressive episode. Tired. My body does not recover as it should. Mentally, the brain does not shut off. It stinks, because normally there is nothing positive going on up there when this starts. The critical side of me comes out during this time, and while I can suppress the tired and feelings during the day, when night comes, and I start to try to wind down…. that is when it starts. That doom and gloom mentality has the time to creep in, as if it was a three year old waiting to tell his parents all about his day. Boom. One after another, disastrous thoughts and self doubt drop carpet bombs of negativity all over my brain. It can only be associated as the work of the devil himself. Nothing about my God would cause anyone to feel like this, no matter how down trodden or unrepentant they were in life. I firmly believe that.
This time, I felt it start coming. That is something new, and like I said last time, knowing when it starts helps me try to figure out what the triggers are. I am sure there are multiple, because nothing involving my mind is ever uncomplicated like that. The fact that I am tired and restless all at the same time lets me know that I am in the middle of the episode itself. My family sure has noticed, which, because I am there all the time and they know me better than I know myself some days, they sure are my best allies in all of this. It is hard to describe to anyone who has never dealt with anything like this before, the shell that you want to climb into, the hole that you want to hide in, and all for no good reason except maybe the sun was shining into the window one morning. Yes, the wind blew, and now I am in a depressive state. That is what it feels like, trying to figure out what happened and how it happens.
I have to write about it, it is one of the only ways that I can get the feelings out. It also forces me to slow my mind down and think about what I am trying to formulate. I know that I am doing better, because the falling into the holes are not as far anymore, but still…. I want this to go away. It really is something that I would not wish on my worst enemy in life. So, I will go back to suppressing the issues while at work, and hopefully when I get up tomorrow, I will be back to a normal state….