Because he himself was tested through what he suffered, he is able to help those who are being tested. Heb 2:18
I have been trying to come up with he right words to put together a post for over a week. I know that my last post was very dark. It came from a very dark place. It sprang from another depressive episode that I have had. The key there is have had. I can not tell you in proper words the absolute pain that I feel when going through these, but when I come out on the other side, it amazes me what I learn.Most of my depression hinges on the fact that I get trapped in my mind. The pain, the anger, the disgrace, the anguish, the self doubt, all of those feelings fill a space all at the same time, to which sometimes, I can just not do anything but succumb to. I know, deep down in my heart, all of those feelings are not the person that I really am. I know that. Every time it is getting easier and easier to break through and clear my mind.
Part of the issues, I have noticed of late, is the worry that I do. I tend to worry about things that have not come to pass yet. Worrying about what will happen around the corner, tomorrow, three months from now, etc. That, I have noticed, is a trigger for me to get stuck inside my head, and such that depressive feeling starts setting in. Yeah, how about that, my normal tendency to worry is a cause of me getting overtly sad. The devil is a cruel spirit, and there he is, taking my own habits and using them against me. I am convinced that depression is the work of the devil, there is no other explanation that I can find. Sure, medical science has many functions, and it can show why things in the brain are different and show lower levels of chemicals in the brain, but no one has really ever pinned down a cause, the root cause, as to why and how that happens. So, until someone can give me the root cause of depression itself, I am going with the fact that depression is an act of Satan.
Here is what struck me this week, and it was so powerful, I can not get the words out of my head, and I felt the need to share. Quit worrying about the chapter that has yet to be written, live on the page that you are in the middle of reading. God certainly has our lives planned, but he has given us free will. He is constantly setting up our next day for us, but he is wanting us to live right here, in the moment, right now. He is waiting for us to finish today, so he can setup tomorrow. He has a plan for us, no matter what that is, but He can not get us to that place until we have finished out today. It was that little sentence, in the middle of a depressive episode, that I think has really changed my point of view. I was so busy worrying about tomorrow, when I had not even made it halfway through the day I was on.
Don’t get me wrong, I am still going to try to plan for the future, make schedules and other things, but I will set them and not worry about them. At least, try not to that is. This is going to be a different thing for me, only because I am so used to worrying about next month, next year, what is going to happen…. yada yada… This is a true mindset change for me. I pray that I can just start to change my mind to think in a different way, and wait on God to finish the next page. He is a much better writer than I am, so, I should just let Him do His job.