Of Envy and Truth.

Jesus said to his disciples:
“Thus it is written that the Christ would suffer
and rise from the dead on the third day
and that repentance, for the forgiveness of sins,
would be preached in his name
to all the nations, beginning from Jerusalem.
You are witnesses of these things.
And behold I am sending the promise of my Father upon you;
but stay in the city
until you are clothed with power from on high.”

Then he led them out as far as Bethany,
raised his hands, and blessed them.
As he blessed them he parted from them
and was taken up to heaven.
They did him homage
and then returned to Jerusalem with great joy,
and they were continually in the temple praising God. Lk 24:46-53

My prayer today was for me not to be envious of the disciples. Oh yes, some days, I read the scriptures and hear the message and I get jealous. I am jealous because they got to meet Jesus in the flesh. They were witness to the wonders first hand, I think of how amazed I would have been had I been with them at that moment in history. How amazing it must have been to watch the Son rise into the Heavens, to be received with Glory, and to be able to witness to the people the wonders that were happening. I get jealous, and I don’t mean to be. My story and relationship with Jesus is just as powerful as the ones who watched His glorious rise into the Kingdom.

For many years I did not have a relationship with God at all. There was nothing but me and the big vast world, taking on daily challenges, and spinning our wheels doing the same things day in and day out. What a lonely place that was in my life. For many years, I wrestled with myself, and was in complete darkness. Darkness is the Devil’s wonderful playground, and there He and I were for a while. There is nothing that I can say about it, other than it is a place of hate, shame, sorrow, and self loathing. All of those things are found deep inside the disease of depression, which I have, and which I have always said is pure evil. For years, I felt that I had to deal with that, all of that dungeons depth locked within me, all by myself. I felt so alone that I had the notion to try to end my own life, so that I could not infect anyone else with my sickness. I honestly thought that the world would be better without me in it, and that the pain that was inflicting me was actually poisoning others around me. I still had those sinking feelings up until the end of last year. Things have really changed for me…. in a true and honest and pure way.

Well, there are always cracks in everything. The darkness gives way to light in every scenario that I can think of. And God shown himself in many ways. All of those years I thought that I was alone in everything, I was not. He was patiently waiting on me to come to understand and trust in Him to help. Anyone who knows me, asking for help, that is the last thing that I do. I would rather sit on the side of a road with a flat tire and no spare trying to figure out how to fix it rather than call a tow truck. Well, I used to be that way, and slowly, I have started to change. I believe that is the key. The changing and healing power that God has for all of us. It started very slowing, and the process of making me a better individual has been rough. The rewards have been intense and immense. I can honestly say, the power that God has over me, and what he has done for me in my life, well, it is a story that rivals those in Bible. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not discounting anything that is in the Holy Bible. Those stories are there to help guide us along, and are of divine origin. I just have come to learn that I am, too, of divine origin. The best part is that my story is still being written. I have achieved all things through Him, and Him alone, and I can only imagine the accomplishments that are coming for me tomorrow, and the days after, if that is His will.

I am still learning, still being molded into what will become tomorrow, and I can truly say that I am not sitting in that dark, lonely place anymore. It all revolves around the relationship that I have with God. This new portion of my life has brought me more joy and happiness than ever before. Sure, there are testing times, but I am not alone in the trials. My family (especially my wife and children), God, and my close friends, they are there with me, and I know that no matter what, they will be there on the way. I feel, with my whole heart, that everyone can have a story like this. We are all of divine origin, and we all have a unique experience that can be shared.  The truth is, I don’t have to be jealous or envious of anything, because my gifts are those that come because I have come to know Jesus better. Everyone is given the same opportunity to have that relationship, he is just waiting on you, just like He was waiting on me.

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