How You Get That Lonely?

Jesus looked at them and said, “For human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible.”  Mt 19:26

Casual conversation this morning brought up the subject of suicide. Traffic on one of our bridges today brought about the reason why so many police officers were there this morning, and how traffic was backed up because of it. Silly me, I said, “Someone might be wanting to jump.” I said that, mainly because a large police presence on this bridge, and it being one of the highest ones in the city, it is a prime target for people who are depressed and ready to end it all.

The entire conversation continued on for a  few minutes, and it did lead me back to a place in time where I felt lonely, just like a jumper. Someone said they could never take their own life, because they are too afraid. I can understand that, because it does take someone to be very bold to be ready to pull the trigger on ending their life. The demon of depression is one that is very much a pure act of the devil. The demon can lead you into spaces that any normal human would run from, feed lie upon lie into your mind about how the world is against you, and that you are never going to amount to anything, and always feel lonely. Oh yes, it does take someone with lots of strength to commit to taking their own life.

Words in our language can not describe the emptiness that fills you when you are depressed. The devil’s soul purpose is to isolate, perpetuate sadness and despair, and bring about immense self loathing.  All of these are hallmarks of depression, and along with it comes great sorrow, pain, and deep hurt. It doesn’t matter what brings it upon someone, each root cause is different. Mine stemmed from my childhood, my teachings as a child to lock myself away, keep things hidden, and to cover up any bad things going on. I was supposed to show a strong face to everyone, make sure the happy times were accentuated, and leave the sadness for when I was alone. That is my root cause, but it takes many forms, all with the same horrible outcomes. Depression makes you want to be alone, no matter what, and it shields you from any type of love that you ever could possibly feel. It ruins families, friendships, and ultimately brings a big rift between you and God.  That, I firmly believe, is the key. Depression ruins relationships, including the one that you have with God.

Once that isolation sets in, the lonely feelings are intense. So intense, you feel physical pain. There were points in my life where I could feel the marrow in my bones start to hurt. That is right, I am not lying to you when I say, I felt my bones hurt, deep within. No doctor could ever explain that to me, but in recent years, I have learned that is the devil’s handiwork. You honestly are lonely to the point where you just want the pain to end. You want the suffering that you are causing yourself, and everyone around to, to be wiped away. Your relationship with God is broken, at least in your own mind, to where you are not trusting that even He can take the pain away. So, you hit the point where your only option is to make it go away yourself. This is why suicide becomes the option you seek. For the ones who’s pain is so great, they pull the trigger….

I have a special place in my heart for those who have. I pray for their souls to be healed and that God will show them mercy in the afterlife. They do not know what they do, and nor do they understand that God does have enough love to save them. Having met the devil on that level, I can honestly say, they are special souls.  I don’t know why God chose to keep me safe, instead of taking my own life and leaving the pain behind. I have questioned that so many times in my life, even to this very moment, while I still deal with depression. I guess the little bit of light that I let in, and the little bit of trust I had in Him was just enough to start down a different, long, difficult journey to having a better relationship with Him. I wish I could show everyone who is dealing with depression that a relationship with God will help them through it all.  It starts by trusting you are not really alone.  For those with depression, that is a hard thing to believe.  The falsehoods that the devil brings, those lies, are hard to debunk. I know now, that I was not alone. In that moment, I did not realize that God was even there.  That is a kind of lonely that no one should ever have to endure.

I pray that today God bring His mighty loving hands down upon all of those who feel that lonely. I know He can bring them out of those depths, because he has done it for me. I am living proof that God is in every situation we are in, and if we allow Him to work with us, we can not feel that lonely anymore.

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