Forgiveness is something that I have always struggled with. My past issues with my father was something that, until recently, I had not learned how to actually forgive. Time is supposed to be a healer when it comes to these matters, but I had held this grudge against him for so many years. In some respects, it was well deserving, because of the situation itself, or so I thought. Having someone that is important to you struggle deeply with addictions and having some of those pains poured out on you is something that is hard to reconcile in your mind, much less actually forgive the individual.
On this journey of mine, to try to become closer to God, I have been adding prayer into my routines much more. At the beginning of the year, when I declared this year to be one of becoming more humble, this was a target of mine. I had always wanted to be able to know that I was praying correctly. Now, I don’t think there was ever a real guide on the subject, besides Jesus teaching us the Lord’s Prayer, and I have seen some really heartfelt love prayers written by some very awesome saints, but I wanted to know for sure that I was doing it right.
Well, I then stumbled back upon this passage from Mark:
“Therefore I tell you, all that you ask for in prayer, believe that you will receive it and it shall be yours.When you stand to pray, forgive anyone against whom you have a grievance, so that your heavenly Father may in turn forgive you your transgressions.” Mark 11:24-25
Yeah, this morning I have realized something key that I had been missing all along. I really have to forgive everyone (myself included) before I am really able to give everything up to prayer from God. The key was myself. I had, up until about a month or so ago, been carrying all that burden with me, blaming myself for everything still. I had forgiven, I mean really forgiven, everyone who had ever crossed me, mocked me, talked bad about me, or wronged me in any way. That included my father. The one person I had forgotten to give an inch to was me. I still felt unworthy of forgiveness.
What a crazy way of thinking right? I was giving all the rest of the world a break, but not myself. Thought only what I can call intervention of the Holy Spirit, I have finally been able to really forgive myself for who I was yesterday. That historical me, while still getting me to today, it not who I am today. Shedding that weight, and coming to realize that, just like I can forgive those who have done me really dirty in the past, so does God. He actually does give me a break, more so that I do. I had to come to believe that He really did forgive me, and not, like I had been doing to myself, keeping those grudges against me. My feeble way of thinking was not even in the right order. He wanted us to mimic Him, it doesn’t work in the reverse.
I pray that today, you can let go of those burdens of your past, and realize that, no matter what God is a loving God, and if you bring those issues before Him, he will truly forgive you, just like He has forgiven me.