Control

“One who serves cannot hoard his free time; he has to give up the idea of being the master of his day” – Pope Francis

I have to admit, I got caught up in my electronics, wanting time by myself, and just wanted to run and hide away for a while. I don’t know why that is, because I always regret that feeling after the fact.  I regret what I have missed by wanting to do things on my own. That selfishness gets in the way of the moments that really mean something to me. I try to control my time as my own, and it does me no good at all. In trying to control things, once again, I fall into the trap of selfishness and lose out on the many things going on around me.  Today, I feel horrible that I allowed myself to get that way.

I am not saying that we do not need a little space sometimes. Everyone needs that moment of reflection and peace. Being a parent and a husband, sometimes those moments do not happen. I know, deep down, that because I am trying to be a good parent and a good husband, I would much rather be doing something for my family rather than myself. I feel horrible because that selfish feeling causes me to be angry, because I am trying to hard to control the things going on. I know that I shouldn’t be angry, and should just be living in the moment with my family. Again, I feel horrible for feeling this way.

Just like with my family, I sometimes get the feeling that I can cut God out as well, and disconnect from Him as well. I don’t know why, I know that I shouldn’t. There is no reason for me not to wake up grateful, go to bed thankful, and ask for His help throughout the day. Instead I try to control everything in my life. It is so tiring trying to control everything. It just leaves me angry and bitter. I know this, but again, I try to. I know I shouldn’t, and I ask for forgiveness for this. I know that I am trying to control something that I do not have the power to control. It is like trying to hold the wind back while standing on the beach.

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