I Can’t Even….

For those of you who have read my blog before, it is not secret to you that I live with the depression demon, and I deal with it on a daily basis. I know that sometimes it can seem as if I have almost dismissed it in my writing, as if it no longer bothers me. Some days are better than others, that is for sure, and for the past six months, I have not had a serious breakdown, or had a really hard episode. I can only thank God for that blessing in my life. That does not mean I do not deal with it. Today, is no exception.

Things my life have been going very well, and I am blessed way beyond my deserving of those blessings. Life in general has given me absolutely no real reason to be sad, down, depressed, hard on myself, or anything like that. Not at all. Yet today, I am not in the mood to deal with anything. I am at the point where I could crawl into bed and just sleep for a weeks, not talk to a single soul, and be perfectly happy with that. That is me today. To quote the new social media crazy…. I can’t even… And I could not “even” for months. I have felt this way the past two days, and to be honest, I am struggling to figure out why.

I have written before, and I will write it again now, depression is the work of the devil himself. There would be no reason for a loving God, such as mine, to ever have dreamed of causing this in people. Now, I know that God can use depression in many ways, to help people learn about themselves. I know that for a fact, because I am living proof He can help people through it and share the experiences of it. I just am upset that this is what I deal with. I am also down for the fact that I can not for the life of me shake the feelings today. I have prayed, I have meditated, I have taken time to myself, all the normal coping things that I would do when I feel this stuff coming on… but yeah, nothing. The feeling has remained, and yes, I am pissed. I don’t want it, I don’t want to feel this way, but nothing is keeping it either at bay, or making it go away. So, in a way, writing this post is my attempt to get it out. It is so frustrating, to have a want to not be a certain way, yet something in my head is keeping me from it. In this case, I am my own worst enemy.

Because I have been working on my relationship with God, I know that I am supposed to be giving this up to Him as well. I am here, humbling asking everyone who reads this to pray for me. Thank you, and God Bless everyone.

2 thoughts on “I Can’t Even….

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