The life that I have been gifted in this world is something that I really do not deserve. If you take a look back at my history, it is amazing that I am even still alive. There were times when I could not even remember how I got back to my bed, much less the night before, so, it still is amazing that I am hanging around.
In taking a look back at everything this weekend, I have come to the conclusion that I want to let go of all that prior stuff. My problem is that I don’t really know how. I fully understand the fact that I am a different person today, and I should not let that past life rule the future, but for some reason, I have a really hard time putting that into practice. I don’t understand why fully. It is a huge weight that is carried, when you are letting the past problems dictate the present, but my mind has a hard time not sitting with those past transgressions and tossing them to the side. For reasons that are beyond me, I can not seem to just let them go.
I have declared many times that I am not the person that I used to be, and that I will not let that past get to me. This morning, it seems to have seeped into my mind, even ever so slightly. I don’t know why, I am not sure the reasoning behind it, but it is there, and I am dealing with it. I know the sadness that most of the past brings with it, and I am not wanting to deal with that, on top of everything else that I have going on in life. Not that I have any struggles that are different from anyone else, I just don’t want my own mind to bring upon me undo stress right now. This happens more often than I want to give my brain credit for. I have been doing really well for a while to keep the past thoughts there, but today, I can admit I am weak.
With that, I will continue to pray that I can find solace in my own mind. I know that God’s Grace has been upon me for months now, and I know for a fact that through Him, all things are possible, even this minor feeling of self-loathing that I have. It feels major to me, but I know for Him it is minor. Today, I will continue to ask Him to help me to let it all go. I have faith that this will be a short lived feeling.