Today, I feel as though I have been ran over by a giant. I have no words to describe the way that my body feels right now. The rigors of the week have just taken a toll on me. For some reason, this week has drug itself on and on, and to be honest, I have felt very far away from everyone and everything. I am not sure why I am feeling like this, I just am.
I usually get this way when I can not figure out how to get things out of my head and onto paper. These days that paper is virtual, but still, you get my point. I am not sure how to describe it fully, but this is my feeble attempt to get it out. To be honest, I have been stuck. I have been stuck trying to find the words to describe everything that has been going on around me. Stuck in a cycle of never ending news, never ending deadlines, and just work in general. To put it mildly, I am really just burnt out. I have lost the passion and drive to even put together this blog. I don’t have time to go down the road of depression right now, there is just too much going on.
Finding the spark that was driving me just a little under a few weeks ago is baffling to me. I am trying to figure out exactly what changed, what put me in the mood, where the feelings of hopelessness and despair started creeping into my life. There is no real reason for it, trust me, if there was, I would be all over that. When you understand a problem, usually you can come to a solution. In this case, I really have nothing. I don’t have one single reason to feel this way. I have my house, my kids, my wife, a job, and nothing really upsetting with me personally that is making me feel this way. Tracking down the root cause has made me come to one conclusion, and one conclusion only… sometimes depression has no answers as to why.
I am not writing this for sympathy. I am not putting this together to have someone feel sorry for the situation that I am in. I am writing this because I know there are millions of other people that feel this way. I am writing this because, sometimes, people that have this affliction, like I do, really do not have control over this. As much as we want to, as much as we fight against the horrible depressive and isolation feelings, they sometimes creep in, without reason, and without warning. It’s the isolation that becomes the devil’s playground, and that is the part of this that I hate the most. I know it is a false sense of isolation, and trust me, I wish that I didn’t feel it. I do not have a reason to feel this, and I am trying not to with every fiber of my being.