Have you ever felt so lost that you have only one feeling, and that is to stop? Any of you ever felt like your neck was being crushed under someone’s boot? Well, that would be how I feel today, right at this very moment. I have no real reason to (except for the fact that it I do, and that is the reason why I am writing), the weather is great, the time of year is my favorite, I have a job, I have my family, and things are going well. What else do I have that is making me feel this way?
I have written this before, but I have depression. Major depression is the description that I have on my medical charts. It is not something that is based in logic. I honestly believe it is one of the worst forms of disease that has even been created, mainly because of the fact that it is not logical, and it leaves nothing physical to see for anyone in the world. If your arm is broken, that is pretty visible. Everyone knows there is a problem, and for the most part, they don’t have a reason to question you. Depression, and may other diseases like it, no one can see it. It is unbiased, can impact anyone, male, female, it doesn’t matter. It has been credited for some of the best comedy in the world, and yet has taken the lives of people who just couldn’t take it anymore. It tried to take me, but I am too stubborn for all that. That doesn’t mean it still does not try.
Coupled with this wonderful sadness, comes anxiety, the cousin of depression. Now, I know, you are going to say, hey, everyone has this in some form or fashion, and yeah, you are right.. except… I have noticed that anxiety can be a trigger for me to go into depression. Oh yeah, those nervous parts about me can trigger me to go into my own personal cave, and just wonder around solo in the dark for days. That nervous pit in my stomach can come and before I know it, I am in the hole, trying to drag myself out of bed in the morning, because I am an adult with obligations, even though my body is telling me to just sleep it all away. Anxiety has been keeping me from lots of things.
Well, I still hurt. It has taken me to this point in time, and a few weeks ago, a conversation with my wife kind of had me thinking about this. Why in the world do I keep hurting this way? Why is it that I can go to Confession, let all of this stuff out, and yet, still feel like Atlas is setting the world on my shoulders and telling me good luck holding it all up. I mean, because that is what all of this feels like for me most days. In that talk that I was having, we were talking about something, the context is irrelevant, she said this…. “Lucas, you have to learn to forgive yourself. You are not doing that at all.”.. Well, she could have dropped the microphone and walked off the stage at that point. I mean, it is not the only problem that I have, trust me, I am not perfect at all. I am far from it, and have broken probably every Commandment that you can think of, probably in order. I have left people hurting so badly over things that I have done to them, and in all of that, it makes me feel horrible. Being the cause of someone’s pain hurts me more than anything else in the world, and it is one of the biggest items that replay in my mind when I am in the middle of a depressive episode.
So, there it is. So, for me, forgiving myself it hard to do. It starts for me this way, I have a hard time communicating to my immediate family my inner feelings. I am sure some of you are going to read that and go, really? You are a part time blogger, you manage groups of people, you interact with people all the time, and have to communicate with them, what is the real hang up here? I do not want to be a disappointment to my family. I do not want to be the one to disagree, or anything like that, and when my opinion differs, my anxiety level goes through the roof and that causes me to shut down. I get this pit in my stomach that makes me almost ill, and it becomes very difficult to speak, so, I just say nothing. At that moment, it is easier, but in the long run that only makes things worse. From there, then I tend to dwell on the fact that I couldn’t say anything, and that just sends me into a depressive state. Oh, how vicious the cycle can be. Depression not being based in logic, it makes me feel like I am worthless.
There it is, I end up not communicating, feeling bad about it, and then not being able to forgive myself for my problems in general. My shortcomings are my downfall, in just about everything, and I apparently can not get out of my own damn way. It is a struggle for me, because while I get the anxiety, I need to learn to push through that. I am working on that, it is going to be a rough road ahead on that end. Unlocking my tongue to fit what is going on in my mind is going to be difficult. I just ask for prayers to learn how to deal with this as well.