“The hardest thing about depression is that it is addictive. It begins to feel uncomfortable not to be depressed. You feel guilty for feeling happy.” – Pete Wentz
Life has been one big roller coaster ride. From graduation day to the birth of my babies, every moment has been up and down. I have a great job, I have a wonderful supporting wife, I have a great family, I have nothing going on in my life that no one else does, and for that very reason… there should be nothing that is keeping me from being happy with everything. Well, you would think that I have nothing to really complain about, and there is nothing that should keep me from just living in the moment… enter the depression….
It is one of the hardest things to explain. My mind gets into a space where the self loathing is almost unbearable. I can be riding the best moments in life, and then out of nowhere, I get hit with this self-deprecating feeling. It is as if someone takes an ice cube and just numbs my brain. It hurts, it makes me not want to move, and then it just remains there. The smallest random memory can trigger this emotional plight. It is more annoying than anything else, because there is nothing in the world that can stop it. There is no one that causes it, it is just me. My mind beats up me, and honestly, it sucks more than anyone will ever know.
I know that depression in itself is the work of nothing more than pure evil. There is nothing that is associated with it that is beneficial to anything in life. To be locked inside your thoughts, with a giant battle raging about yourself ensues, is nothing short of pure torture. It is not something that anyone should ever have to go through. It is something that happens to me on a consistent basis. There is medication out there, for sure, but that just seems to mask over the underlying problems going on. There is therapy, and that can help to a point, but it never really takes away what is going on in your mind. Just like the quote, sometimes I feel guilty for feeling happy, almost as much as I feel guilty for feeling bad. It really is a horribly terrifying thing to know that your mind can lock you down to the point where you don’t want to move forward.
Talking about things helps. Always having someone to talk to is important to keeping the depression from winning. I am super lucky that I have people willing to listen to the same things over and over from me. I recommend finding someone, because this is not something that can be fought alone.
“When you do something noble and beautiful and nobody noticed, do not be sad. For the sun every morning is a beautiful spectacle and yet most of the audience still sleeps.” – John Lennon
All in all, 2018 was a year. I traveled around the sun one more time. I got to enjoy the ride with some of the most amazing people that the world has to offer. I witnessed hardships, sorrows, defeats, triumphs, passion, and all the other in between emotions that come along with being on this wonderful Earth. I have the best family that anyone could ever ask for, and the best extended familiy and friends that anyone could ever have wished for in a million years. I don’t let my mind underscore the year that was. I have grown as a person, becoming better than I was just yesterday, and that is goal for everyone, just be better than yesterday. Keep learning, keep growing, keep enjoying the moments that matter the most. I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up in this crazy world.
I have had my reasons for walking away from the computer keyboard. They all revolved around my personal life, how things were going and the way things were going at that time. I was putting the wrong priorities in place in my life, and not setting myself up to see all the blessings that I currently had in front of me. This morning, on the way into work, it hit me really hard, that I am blessed in more ways that anyone on this Earth could ever imagine. I have been given the help, strength, support, love, and anything else you can think of. I am grateful to have seen things that others can only dream of, work with amazing people, try to inspire them to be better individuals, but most importantly, to be with my family. To see my kids grow up faster than anything in the world, and to be able to unload all my troubles with an amazing wife by my side, I have nothing in the world to be down about.
I am starting to get things back in order, and I can get back to writing again. I have missed the outlet and the creative side of me. I can not wait to see what 2019 has in store for me, and I am looking forward to another trip around the sun with all the people that inspire me on a daily basis.
Today, I was looking for something to put before my blog posting, like I normally do. I try to use the daily mass readings, but today, it was a little different to try to put into a theme for a post. It was hard to figure out how to put it into a theme and keep it short, because today’s reading is the genealogy of Jesus Christ, from Matthew, Chapter 1. Continue reading “History”
Brothers and sisters:
Since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses,
let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us
and persevere in running the race that lies before us
while keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus,
the leader and perfecter of faith.
For the sake of the joy that lay before him
Jesus endured the cross, despising its shame,
and has taken his seat at the right of the throne of God.
Consider how he endured such opposition from sinners,
in order that you may not grow weary and lose heart.
In your struggle against sin
you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood. Heb 12:1-4
Continue reading “Running…..”