The End

This is a story that was not supposed to be this way. My wife found a little one, brought her home, and we called her Sara. Without the “H” because “H”‘s are ewww. If you get the joke, you score extra points. She was not supposed to be attached to me, but it happened anyway. Most things do not turn out like they are supposed to, or in the way we planned, at least not fully every single time.

My wife has a degenerative nerve disorder. It keeps her up, it keeps her from doing things, and it keeps her from well, life sometimes. We manage. We get through it. We have done so with the help of our tiny little Yorkshire terrier. Funny, she would make my wife lay down when her blood pressure was too high, or she overworked herself. I can never get my wife to do this, even in some of the most extreme conditions. This, again, was not supposed to be my dog. This is my wife’s companion, her dog, her little ball of fur.

Supposed to not be the star of the show
Not sure what she did, but she did it

This dog latched on to me, and well, she in turn became another daddy’s girl. What can I say, I am a sucker for the girls in my life, and nothing was different with this little one. She became spoiled, just like all the other loves in my house. She has her own bed, takes my socks, stockpiles my clothes under the bed, and makes me take her out. She preferred sleeping between the wife and I first, then going to her bed… let’s be very clear about that. She was jealous of anyone who would touch me, including my wife. All the things that dads have to do, she was game for. She would spin for food (only left, because she can not turn right, she is not an abiturner.. ), crawl up next to me to sleep, and listened to my complaints about life early in the morning. She would let me make my coffee before she was ready to go out. She would try to catch lizards, and other things. She turned into one of my best friends. She never judged me, and always knew when something was wrong. We dressed her up and she never liked it. I have more pictures than I care to admit of her, and she hated taken all the ones she was awake for. She let me carry her like a baby, because, well, I am a sucker for babies. She is everything that is good with the world, and helped us through so many different things, that this little thing could not even begin to put into words the impact that such a tiny baby had on everyone.

Long walk outside did this
She hated this one
She was mad at this one as well

Her special life was not supposed to be done this early or in this fashion. This past week and a half, she got sick. Cancer has invaded her lungs, and I had to watch my little tiny go through so much. She struggled to breathe, and stopped dancing for food. She was not getting up with me to get coffee, and well, she was not the same baby. We snuggled together, cried together, and it was time. She was huffing so bad at the end, and there was nothing that anyone could do. Nothing that anyone could do. Helpless was the feeling, and it was terrible. I don’t wish the emotions on anyone, and I can barely type without crying. It was not the happy ending that she should have had, nor deserved, and life is cruel that way.

Sure, she is my wife’s dog, but I don’t think I have cried that much in a very long time.

Until we meet again, again, she hated this picture.

She was our buddy, our friend, and our little snuggle baby. In the end, there was not much but good memories. On to your next mission my baby girl.

The Past…..

“The hardest thing about depression is that it is addictive.  It begins to feel uncomfortable not to be depressed. You feel guilty for feeling happy.” – Pete Wentz

Life has been one big roller coaster ride.  From graduation day to the birth of my babies, every moment has been up and down. I have a great job, I have a wonderful supporting wife, I have a great family, I have nothing going on in my life that no one else does, and for that very reason… there should be nothing that is keeping me from being happy with everything.  Well, you would think that I have nothing to really complain about, and there is nothing that should keep me from just living in the moment… enter the depression….

It is one of the hardest things to explain. My mind gets into a space where the self loathing is almost unbearable. I can be riding the best moments in life, and then out of nowhere, I get hit with this self-deprecating feeling.  It is as if someone takes an ice cube and just numbs my brain.  It hurts, it makes me not want to move, and then it just remains there.  The smallest random memory can trigger this emotional plight. It is more annoying than anything else, because there is nothing in the world that can stop it.  There is no one that causes it, it is just me. My mind beats up me, and honestly, it sucks more than anyone will ever know.

I know that depression in itself is the work of nothing more than pure evil. There is nothing that is associated with it that is beneficial to anything in life. To be locked inside your thoughts, with a giant battle raging about yourself ensues, is nothing short of pure torture.  It is not something that anyone should ever have to go through. It is something that happens to me on a consistent basis.  There is medication out there, for sure, but that just seems to mask over the underlying problems going on. There is therapy, and that can help to a point, but it never really takes away what is going on in your mind. Just like the quote, sometimes I feel guilty for feeling happy, almost as much as I feel guilty for feeling bad.  It really is a horribly terrifying thing to know that your mind can lock you down to the point where you don’t want to move forward.

Talking about things helps. Always having someone to talk to is important to keeping the depression from winning. I am super lucky that I have people willing to listen to the same things over and over from me. I recommend finding someone, because this is not something that can be fought alone.

Another Trip Around The Sun

“When you do something noble and beautiful and nobody noticed, do not be sad. For the sun every morning is a beautiful spectacle and yet most of the audience still sleeps.” – John Lennon

All in all, 2018 was a year.  I traveled around the sun one more time. I got to enjoy the ride with some of the most amazing people that the world has to offer. I witnessed hardships, sorrows, defeats, triumphs, passion, and all the other in between emotions that come along with being on this wonderful Earth.  I have the best family that anyone could ever ask for, and the best extended familiy and friends that anyone could ever have wished for in a million years.  I don’t let my mind underscore the year that was.  I have grown as a person, becoming better than I was just yesterday, and that is goal for everyone, just be better than yesterday.  Keep learning, keep growing, keep enjoying the moments that matter the most. I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up in this crazy world.

I have had my reasons for walking away from the computer keyboard.  They all revolved around my personal life, how things were going and the way things were going at that time.  I was putting the wrong priorities in place in my life, and not setting myself up to see all the blessings that I currently had in front of me. This morning, on the way into work, it hit me really hard, that I am blessed in more ways that anyone on this Earth could ever imagine.  I have been given the help, strength, support, love, and anything else you can think of.  I am grateful to have seen things that others can only dream of, work with amazing people, try to inspire them to be better individuals, but most importantly, to be with my family.  To see my kids grow up faster than anything in the world, and to be able to unload all my troubles with an amazing wife by my side, I have nothing in the world to be down about.

I am starting to get things back in order, and I can get back to writing again.  I have missed the outlet and the creative side of me.  I can not wait to see what 2019 has in store for me, and I am looking forward to another trip around the sun with all the people that inspire me on a daily basis.


Today, I was looking for something to put before my blog posting, like I normally do. I try to use the daily mass readings, but today, it was a little different to try to put into a theme for a post. It was hard to figure out how to put it into a theme and keep it short, because today’s reading is the genealogy of Jesus Christ, from Matthew, Chapter 1. Continue reading “History”


Brothers and sisters:
Since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses,
let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us
and persevere in running the race that lies before us
while keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus,
the leader and perfecter of faith.
For the sake of the joy that lay before him
Jesus endured the cross, despising its shame,
and has taken his seat at the right of the throne of God.
Consider how he endured such opposition from sinners,
in order that you may not grow weary and lose heart.
In your struggle against sin
you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood. Heb 12:1-4

Continue reading “Running…..”