Author: lucassauls

This is the time of year where everyone is looking back at the last twelve months, taking it all in, and then forging ahead into the new year with positive thoughts and what is perceived renewed energy. That works all fine and good for most everyone. I am here to confess that I am not everyone. I am not wired the same. Sure, I have the right and left-brain portions and one can say that I am more into the logical side, but I have an affinity for the cultural side as well. That is right in line, but where that takes a turn for me is the underlying wiring that is up there in the massive computer processing center that I call a brain.

The past year was a blur of a year, but one that gave me great insights as to myself, and how my experiences have shaped where I am currently. This year, with what semblance of free time that I had between work, more work, family obligations, illness, and well, work, I did get moments to realize how I have been operating in my space for the last forty-three years. I am going to walk you along this journey a bit. I must start up the time machine and take us back a few more years than this one to give you some context, but if you made it down to this part, you might as well keep going at this point.

As long as I can remember, I have been a fan of music. That was one of the primary forms of entertainment that I had available in my room for me as a child. Back in the 80’s, or as my son would like to put it, the dark ages, that music was brought to me on the mighty air waves of Jacksonville into the radio. The dial was tuned into one of the then two country music stations that were available, in what I thought at the time was a major market (proven wrong later, but my standards were different at the time). Country was the music of choice at the time because that is what was always on the radio in my mom’s car, and well, honestly, that was all that I really knew at the time. That is a story for another time, but I mention this, because the music was always playing in my head, no matter what. The radio was on, it was playing, the radio was off, well, one of a million different tracks were still going in my head. Someone continually be on repeat for days, even weeks, while sometimes, it would really turn into more of a medley of hits, you know the kinds that everyone hates at concerts. I knew the latest artist, album, track, and in some cases the years that the albums were released. That obsession was just something that I was enthusiastic about, and to be honest, I thought the song thing in your head was something that everyone had going on.

Turn the clock ahead a few decades, and the song playlist was larger, and had become more expanded. In high school, my exposure to other genres of music was expanded, and well, that just made the concurrent set list that was my own person version of the Billboard 100 that much greater. Intertwine that with all the different thoughts that were up there, along with the parallel conversations that I would have with myself about any anxious moments coming up, and well, it was slightly exhausting. Getting up early for school, band practice, football games, and working on the weekends were what I thought was the real causes of the mental fatigue, and that combination should have put me down like I had taken elephant tranquilizers darted in me. It did not, the magical formula from Atlanta, Georgia (aka Coca-Cola) kept the steam engine going, and well, as bad as any habit can be, that is still one that I have to this day. Coffee would take the main stage later, but when you are working at a place that has free soda all day long, you tend to go for what you have available.

Now that was a long-winded way of saying, there have been a million things going on in my head for an exceedingly long time. To me, it was normal, and still is normal to me. The constant running over of deadlines, dread, worry, doubts, fears, lyrics from the early nineties, conversation starters, and the occasional why the hell did that come out of my face hole trains all come into the station, sometimes by fours, occasionally on a single run, but never ending. It does cause me to become distracted, but also that was normal for me. To have my attention pulled in multiple different directions all at once, that was nothing new. Even the Air Force could not bust that out of me. Having all that going on up there actually made it easy for me to stand in formations for a long time. I had my own personal entertainment going on up there, and well, I could recall all kinds of things and just sit with that, and well, just like the weather in most places, it would change, and hey, something new. Again, all of this for me was normal practice, and honestly, I thought it was something that everyone would deal with. I never really thought to bring it up to anyone, and well, why should I? I was already the odd person out in most settings, and I hate to be the center of attention like that, so if something were wrong with me, I would not say anything.

The constant thoughts were good in ways, but they could get bad and go dark very quickly. They still can. The long black train of thoughts that carry all the worry, self-doubt, relentless depressive episodes, and downright hateful speech towards myself can only be described as some of the most excruciating self-inflicted wounds that I have ever had to deal with. This only gets worse over time. I also thought this was normal. I am not going to blame any of my upbringing, how things happened to me, or anything that I experienced in my life up to any point. There is no need for any of that. The 1980s were not a time of mental health awareness, and no other time before that would be considered any time where someone’s emotional well-being was ever accounted for. You hide your crazy back then, because the shame and self-loathing that would come from brining that about to your family would be much worse than any other form of seeking help. The body could have an infection, but your brain be damned. It did not get better in the formative years of the 1990s and it certainly was not something fully understood in the early 2000s during my military career. Mental issues and seeking help were stigmatized and not something that was ever on the forefront of anyone’s mind. To speak out about something going on with you, and the fact that you were in such a dark place would mean that you were weak, not someone who could manage being a part of the normal society, much less a contributor and shunned as someone who is a liability. That was just the fact of the matter. We are all a product of our life experiences on Earth, for better or worse, that was mine, and the time that I was in.

This year was a huge lift and a huge step for me, both professionally and personally. The biggest thing for me, from a personal standpoint, is that I have a name for the pain that I have going on sometimes. It is still new, and I am still walking through trying to understand it all, but it at least explains the why behind things. Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD) that lives in the co-conspirator pocket with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). All that sounds wonderful right? Some of that I had never even heard of, and I dismissed the fact that someone could even say that is what is going on up there in the grey matter above my neck. For me, there is no hyperactivity that is outward, there is no shortage, or deficit of attention, and certainly depression is not persistent. I am even most days, and an amazingly effective leader, father, husband, contributor to society. I am remarkably high functioning, and while yes, I have this sometimes-irritating playlist that will turn Taylor Swift’s Red, but not the radio version, the award show version with Vince Gill into a rolling loop for no reason, I am maintaining a good pace in life, right?

So, self admittedly, if you give me something that I find interest in, a computer, the newfangled internet, and snacks, you will find me looking up everything known to man on these two things. I will tell you, I found the research part very interesting, and while I am not one that likes to look at myself critically or even think that I may have an issue, in reality, my thoughts are already harsh on me most of the time anyway, so why not add to the mix. By giving it all a name, I was able to finally look at it from a unique perspective. Most of the thousands of thoughts that come through my mind on a consistent basis are a fun history and life review. It is something that has been going on for over four decades now, and it is not a happy picture. It would have killed me if I did not have some sort of value on life. I get stuck in the worst conceivable way, in a brain spiral that relives all my past perceived failures in an almost syndicated documentary movie. I tell you this because the two new character-building diagnoses that I have explains why this happens, and hopefully, gazing into the next year, will finally give me some satisfaction in knowing that I can potentially get that part of me to subside. I cannot tell you the absolute torture that I have put myself through along this course of forty-three trips around the sun. For me, it was a normal routine in life, a normal flood of emotions that would just make me, and still makes me feel worthless.

I was able to finally put a name to everything. Is it the end of all of it? I can say wholeheartedly, no. Like any good health marker, it is just the starting point. You do not go into a doctor’s office and have all the answers on the way out. You have a starting point, and fortunately a treatment plan of sorts. This live show of music, past demons, future anxious worries, and a few just what the hell moments, has been rattling the walls of my head for over four decades. I do not expect it to slow down overnight. This year, with this new knowledge has helped me to try to understand why I do the things that I do, why I sometimes seem out of sorts, feel off kilter, and remind me that I am normal, just this is my version of what normal is. Some of the “distracted” moments in my mind, they are good to have. These things that can be detrimental to me are also the things that make me great at what I do as a leader. They also have led me here, to this moment, this portion of my life, where I am able to be with my best friends and wife, watch my kids be happy, and while the depressive parts makes it harder for me to achieve whatever normal “happiness” everyone else has, I am at least content with where I am. This past year, 2023 was so all over the place, but to me that was fine, because my mind has always been all over the place. It brought me to a place where I am going to figure it out, because I feel like it is finally starting to make sense.